mia_ana_13's Xanga

gah

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 01:19:38 GMT

well school is crazy as usual... i'm not so sure if i'm going to transfer though... i had a meeting with my advisor today... it was weird talking to someone here who cared... i failed a test in italian that i got back today... like major fail... but what ever... i only have to take 3 more language credits... but i think i may change my major from psychology to social work and finish the psychology degree at ivy tech or start it there and get most of it done... maybe even take classes there over the summer and get a jump start... i don't know though... i just got so much on my mind and that i have to do i don't know up from down half the time... and then i only know up from down because i fell to the ground...

school

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 16:37:51 GMT

keeps on gettin me down... i don't even know how much i weigh right now... i don't really want to know because i have a feeling that i am extremely higher than i hope to be... well i'm always extremely higher but i'm almost sure that i gained again. i just feel so sick and sore... its like nothing i take helps with the pain... if something does help its only for a little while... everything or so it seems stops working after a few months... i'm going to a specialist soon and i hope that it works and if it doesn't then i'm going to be extremely disappointed... i just hope it's figured out before my insurance runs out... i'm scared to go to my class... it starts in half an hour but i'm already scared... i turned in my paper late... i didn't go to class the next day because i was at home freaking out... and now i have to go because there is a group project due on tuesday... i still have a pook that is boring to read and write an essay on it before the end of next week when i get shipped off to the frozen hell of my grandmohters house in the freezing cold northern us... it is horriable there anyways but the added terror of my grandmother makes even a trip to prision with murderer tattooed on my face seem appealing... i myself am not scared of her... i don't really care about her in the least... but she loves to break people down and try so hard to make a person go completely crazy... she has scales that change everytime you step on them... no matter what you do... you can literally step on the first time and be say 170... step off then get back on to double check and be 175.... there is no way in the world that it is good for my health that the scale changes so much with no physical change ... and then one can always add to the horror story by simply stating that the main stretch of town is literally under 1 mile and the "cool" place to hang out is pamida... which is like kmart.... it is so completely stupid there... i don't even know if i'll be able to get a wifi connection... there is also the fact that i am going to have to do all my homework there and find a way to email a paper to my teacher while i'm there... i'm going to talk to her about it tomorrow in class... but yeah... i also have so much reading to do... i think something like 600 pages for school that i'm behind on reading and finals are comming up soon saddly ... i just hope that i will be able to pass all my classes with B's or something higher... i know for sure that i'm gettin an A in 2 of my classes but that's only one out of 6so that's 4 grades up in the air... and i have to keep a 3.0 to keep my scholarship... and i'm thinking about transfering to a college closer to home... because there one doesn't have to take as many stupid classes as i do here. eventhough the school i'm at is really highly regaurded... the other one is still recognized as a good school to go to so i'm not like going to go to a little no name school that people will ask if it even exists... they will know it does and that it's a decent school...but i don't really know how to break it to my parents that i'm going to transfer... and live at home if they will let me so that i can save some money, but tell the school that i am "renting" an appartment to hopefully get more state aid because that is what i'm living off of right now... which sucks majorly... and i think that if i'm there then maybe i could find a job and work too because i will be able to drive my car more easily than here where its sittin in a lot about three and a half miles from where i live.

back

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 02:19:17 GMT

i am back at school tonight. i haven't went crazy just yet. i really hope that i don't. i can't miss any more days. i'm already so far behind it's crazy. i should get off of here and go to bed because i'm doing all my meds as told. i hope that it makes the difference. i'm scared to go to class tomorrow. i don't konw what i'm going to say to everyone. i can't exactly say that i went crazy or that i was sick. neither sound good and i don't really want all the people in the world to know that i'm not normal at all. i'm crazy, utterly crazy. i'm unsure of how everything is going to work out. i have an exam on thursday that i can't miss in italian. i know that i missed the italian oral exam too. i don't know if i can make up the oral exam. i hope that i'm allowed to because i really couldn't control what happened.

mental breaking point

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 15:38:33 GMT

i reached it sunday night. it was insaine. i yelled at my roommate who wasn't in the room and i'm not sure exactly where she was either. i just broke when i saw that her little self can eat the amazing chinese food and still be fucking skinny and she doesn't even have to puke it up. she gets to stay her awesome size 00 and eat whatever the fuck she wants. while i'm sitting over here not eating, going on runs, and drinking mainly water, STILL getting bigger. it really just pisses me off. i broke. now i'm sitting at home trying to figure out how in the hell i'm gonna make everything ok with my grades. i missed an oral exame that i forgot about. idk i'm just home and i hope that everything will work out. and i'm still crazy. i also got put on new meds on friday so that could easily be the thing that has made me crazy. i'm not good with new meds. my body always flips out and makes everything outta wack. it's supposed to help with pain but it hasn't done anything yet besides possibly help make me go crazy. now i'm just waiting for my dr. who gave me the meds calls me back and lets me know what the hell is going on and if there is anything else that i can take so that i can go back to school. at this cuttent time, i can't go back unless i want to flip out again. i also figured out that i'm going to go and see a therapist while i'm at school and see if maybe that will help out. just like maybe once a month or every other week or something like that. sometimes little things like that just set me off.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 00:13:00 GMT

so i'm scared about this weekend... i have to tell my boyfriend that another girl is i guess you could say flirting with me... sending me the lovey flairs on myspace... and basically that i don't care what the other girl sends i love HIM and not going to leave him for her... because it is true that i like the girl... i have for a long ass time BUT i am IN LOVE with him and she can't change that... she missed her chance.... and i owe the advice on doing this to one of my amazing best friebnds...i should really try to get over the girl i like... it would make things much easier and not let me freak out as easily when she does send me that kind of stuff....

"almost lover" a fine frenzy

Monday, October 26, 2009

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 23:20:42 GMT

well i'm sick... not been told for sure but my guess is i got the piggy flu... which is floating all around campus... and well i am just going to watch nip tuck wishing i could get the money to get some of the things done... but until i do have the money i shall use the lovely method of what i got and my insaine exercise...

well

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 19:23:35 GMT

it has been a while i do have to say... i'm finally up to date in a couple of my classes surprise there... but i still have a few that i have to make up for... i've been really sick which is good in the sence that i dont feel good so i don't eat much of anything...i think that today i had like half a muffin and a cup of apple juice and god only knows on water... but it's alright... i had a job but i already put in my 2 weeks cuz i really hate it with a passion... i've been calling off alot because i don't really feel like going and just don't feel good about the work i'm doing there.... i basically get to call up people associated with the university and ask them to donate money for the school... and some of them you can tell really would if they could but just can't do it... i don't like the whole sitting in a chair for 5 hours on top of my classes... that's too much time sitting on my butt... wayy too much time.. i've been keeping track again of numbers and since by b-day i've lost 12 lbs... i know it doesn't seem like a lot but man alive it feels like a lot... it makes me really happy that i've lost it too... and i'm still loosing!... its one of the only reasons i like being sick... and i'm ubber excited about my race tomorrow... i have to run two 5ks for my running class and my first one is tomorrow... so that's like 3.1-2 miles that i'm running in the morning and i doubt that i'll have time for breakfast before the race... so yeah... that'll be really good and make me not want to eat and then i'm skipping work for the rest of the weekend so that i can do my paper that's due on tuesday... it's like 12-15 pages about what sex and gender are... i've finally caught up on reading my emails too... which is crazy cuz i had like 25 new messages... but yeah... i'm trying to keep up with everything and trying to no freak and to lose weight at the same time... support is good... if anyone wants a text buddy in the US hit me up. but that shall be all for right now... i'm going to work on that stupid long paper.... like i should be cuz that's why i called off work.

shit

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 00:02:15 GMT

i really fucked upt this weekend... i went back home as usual... it's becoming a habit that i can't really afford... and i just hung out with everyone and stuff... while i was having fun i totally forgot about my big test tomorrow... and all the homework that was supposed to be done before hand... so i sent him an email and siad i had an emergency in my hometown and forgot all my school stuff and just got back today... i'm hopeing that i can make up the homework cuz i really need to do good in this class cuz well it's italian... and i gotta take 4 semesters of one language... and i want this to be it so i only have 2 years of language instead of like a thoughsand which it just might come down to... i know that i'm not really doing the greatest in the class either... i think i got like a C?... maybe lower... i just want to cut soo bad but i know it won't help when i have to go back home and face everyone... i know that questions will be asked and i really don't want to answer them... and here i don't think anyone would notice if i just stopped showing up let alone a scab... idk... i'm gonna go take a shower and cry and try to figure this out...

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Thu, 10 Sep 2009 17:41:17 GMT

well i have offically lost it.... my brain that is... see i got a myspace message from a long ago ex like around 4 years ago broke up haven't talked since.... and she's just like hey... blaha hlah how are you... miss you..... LOVE YOU!!! ....... and i'm like..... uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...... cough ....... what? and it'a really weird that she's talking to me now... like we didn't end on the best note but i mean wow... just about 4 years later talking to me... it's weird... cuz for the longest time i wanted to get back with her... like i would have done anything to be with her again... but now she talks to me and i don't want her anymore... i feel kinda free about it... but something doesn't seem right thouhg.... kinda like she's gonna ruin something.... but i'm not sure that she would... she just seems weird.... and saying i love you to me... wow.... i think somethings up between her and her girl and she wants to make her girl dump her

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Wed, 09 Sep 2009 00:17:45 GMT

so i didn't go to the funeral and feel crappy about it... but he' says it's alright.