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my parents do not understand how my mental problems work... my dad is just having fun pissing me off today and i can't really say anything to him about it cuz well yeah... he does pay for the house...but seriously have some manners... i don't give a shit that your high off your ass and probably don't even realize that i left the room and am blaring music that isn't exactly the most loving and upbeat... he's watching people purposely doing stupid things... the kicker is all he has to do is open the front door or the back door even for that matter and he can find some of the most unintelligent people in the world... some of them may be book smart but when it comes to common sense it's like trying to ask a worm to open the front door for you... it just doesn't click... hehe we're getting into a volume battle... little does he know the power of the speakers is beyond the television... but yeah i'm just gonna walk out for awhile... take music and just be alone....

ahhhhhhhhhhhh

i'm totally wanting to hit a "friend" of mine... it's in quotations because i don't deal well with liars... all of my pictures on my camera are gone... like completely GONE... i had some of the only pictures of my niece when she was born and someone's award project that isn't done.... just a lot of irreplacable pictures that i would do almost anything to get back so that i don't have to make some phone calls and explain what happened...he just suddenly went from having a little over a minute of video available to 33 minutes... yeah that just doesn't happen... and there is a delete all button that comes up when deleteing anything... so i doubt it was the memory card... so now ablsolutly no one can touch my camera... it sounds bitchy but i just don't want to have to deal with the people who i'm going to disappoint because they trusted me with their pictures... and now they are gone... i don't know what the hell i'm going to do now... i really don't want to call the people...i don't even want to tell my mom or sister... i want to just sit and punch him until i feel better... but that wouldn't be for a while and he's a small guy... so i'm just going to completely ignore him... to me he doesn't exist

day one is well today i guess the 3rd of july... i'm doing a 28 day thing with another girl on here... i hope that i do ok... my college orientation is going to be in the days too somewhere close to the end... i just don't want to screw it up... i hope the 4th doesn't mess everything up... i really need to drop like 20lbs at least before the fall... i don't want to go to college and be known as the fat girl at the beginning of the year... i want to be known as the small girl that can easily be thrown into the air but is still muscluarly strong... the muscle thing may be the problem... i gain muscle but not lose enough fat to see any difference on a scale... i don't know but i want the numbers down...

183.3

WOW!!! that was a shock... i haven't pigged out, ate much, and i have been exercising... it's just like WTF???... i bet i'm gonna start my period soon... damn mother nature

i didn't look this morning

i was too afraid... i don't want to go up... it makes me feel worthless... i know i shouldn't feel that way but i do... i just is the way i am... i also hate it when he gets all not ok... i feel bad cuz i don't know what to do... i mean i'd love to talk but i don't want to make him go off... i just don't know what to do about it... we don't have much alone time and id really like some... i know it kinda sounds selfish but i like being alone with him... we talk and giggle... and just have fun...sometimes i wonder if i should even count us as dating... we basically act like friends that kiss every now and then... it usually doesn't bother me.. but we've been dating for almost 2 months.... i start most of the kissing too... so i'm just wondering if he even likes me or just wants to be friends... or maybe he's just afraid to start things but from the way he talks he isnt... i don't know i just feel like shit and want to have a big talk soon... i think it'll be after i get back from camping this weekend... i might as well get the pain over with before i fall even further in to what will become love if i don't stop myself

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i've had problems with food since i remember and i'm trying to get back to my "healthy" weight of 84. i love thinspro. i'm also a cutter and don't see a problem with it because it doesn't hurt anyone else.