although i'm pretending that nothing is wrong. i don't know why i do this. i'm so lonely and it's not because i don't have love. i got the one for me; i'm so close to positive that he's the one that the not sure part doesn't matter. i am not sure how i'm going to deal with being here another 3 years. i am going crazy all the time already. my emotions are getting the best of me. some days i'm completely ready to take on the world, then i have days like today when nothing sounds better than a bottle of cynide and a bullet to chase it down. i really wish that i could chance the way that i feel. i think that anything is better than this now. i got back my last italian exam before the final and didn't do good on it. that really makes me upset because i studied for ever for that test. i'm talking about 8 hours of studing. i still somehow get a bad grade. then after that class i go to my math class and take a test once again the last one before the final. i have no idea how to solve half of the problems. the ones i do know how to solve i'm not sure on which numbers go where. so there is yet another class that i have started to fail. i just really need to go and get some true help. i have never found help through a counsler/therapist/psychologist. none have ever wanted to deal with my craziness, so they just send me on to the next one. when i finally got to the end of the line, she didn't understand. she didn't really even try to do much of anything other than put me on drugs that made me even more suicidal than i am on a normal basis. now i am truly falling apart and have no other option. the one thing that keeps me together is Jason. he completely gets me. i never had to explain much of anything to him. never had to tell him something was wrong, he always asks. he knows when i lie and then asks again when we are alone what is wrong. i don't want to lose him, ever. i have a horriable feeling though that he's going to leave me. i don't know when of if he will for sure. when i'm with him, everything bad goes away. it's like nothing bad can get to me. nothing can hurt me. he can't save me from myself though. i wish that he could. because i am my own worst enemy. i will be my greatest downfall, yet my greatest attribute at the same time.
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