although i'm pretending that nothing is wrong.  i don't know why i do this.  i'm so lonely and it's not because i don't have love.  i got the one for me; i'm so close to positive that he's the one that the not sure part doesn't matter.  i am not sure how i'm going to deal with being here another 3 years.  i am going crazy all the time already. my emotions are getting the best of me.  some days i'm completely ready to take on the world, then i have days like today when nothing sounds better than a bottle of cynide and a bullet to chase it down.  i really wish that i could chance the way that i feel.  i think that anything is better than this now.  i got back my last italian exam before the final and didn't do good on it.  that really makes me upset because i studied for ever for that test. i'm talking about 8 hours of studing. i still somehow get a bad grade. then after that class i go to my math class and take a test once again the last one before the final. i have no idea how to solve half of the problems. the ones i do know how to solve i'm not sure on which numbers go where. so there is yet another class that i have started to fail. i just really need to go and get some true help. i have never found help through a counsler/therapist/psychologist. none have ever wanted to deal with my craziness, so they just send me on to the next one.  when i finally got to the end of the line, she didn't understand.  she didn't really even try to do much of anything other than put me on drugs that made me even more suicidal than i am on a normal basis.  now i am truly falling apart and have no other option.  the one thing that keeps me together is Jason. he completely gets me.  i never had to explain much of anything to him.  never had to tell him something was wrong, he always asks. he knows when i lie and then asks again when we are alone what is wrong.  i don't want to lose him, ever.  i have a horriable feeling though that he's going to leave me. i don't know when of if he will for sure. when i'm with him, everything bad goes away. it's like nothing bad can get to me. nothing can hurt me. he can't save me from myself though.  i wish that he could.  because i am my own worst enemy.  i will be my greatest downfall, yet my greatest attribute at the same time. 

keeps on gettin me down... i don't even know how much i weigh right now... i don't really want to know because i have a feeling that i am extremely higher than i hope to be... well i'm always extremely higher but i'm almost sure that i gained again.  i just feel so sick and sore... its like nothing i take helps with the pain... if something does help its only for a little while... everything or so it seems stops working after a few months... i'm going to a specialist soon and i hope that it works and if it doesn't then i'm going to be extremely disappointed... i just hope it's figured out before my insurance runs out... i'm scared to go to my class... it starts in half an hour but i'm already scared... i turned in my paper late... i didn't go to class the next day because i was at home freaking out... and now i have to go because there is a group project due on tuesday...  i still have a pook that is boring to read and write an essay on it before the end of next week when i get shipped off to the frozen hell of my grandmohters house in the freezing cold northern us... it is horriable there anyways but the added terror of my grandmother makes even a trip to prision with murderer tattooed on my face seem appealing... i myself am not scared of her... i don't really care about her in the least... but she loves to break people down and try so hard to make a person go completely crazy... she has scales that change everytime you step on them... no matter what you do... you can literally step on the first time and be say 170... step off then get back on to double check and be 175.... there is no way in the world that it is good for my health that the scale changes so much with no physical change ...  and then one can always add to the horror story by simply stating that the main stretch of town is literally under 1 mile and the "cool" place to hang out is pamida... which is like kmart.... it is so completely stupid there... i don't even know if i'll be able to get a wifi connection... there is also the fact that i am going to have to do all my homework there and find a way to email a paper to my teacher while i'm there... i'm going to talk to her about it tomorrow in class... but yeah... i also have so much reading to do... i think something like 600 pages for school that i'm behind on reading and finals are comming up soon saddly ... i just hope that i will be able to pass all my classes with B's or something higher... i know for sure that i'm gettin an A in 2 of my classes but that's only one out of 6so that's 4 grades up in the air... and i have to keep a 3.0 to keep my scholarship... and i'm thinking about transfering to a college closer to home... because there one doesn't have to take as many stupid classes as i do here. eventhough the school i'm at is really highly regaurded... the other one is still recognized as a good school to go to so i'm not like going to go to a little no name school that people will ask if it even exists... they will know it does and that it's a decent school...but i don't really know how to break it to my parents that i'm going to transfer... and live at home if they will let me so that i can save some money, but tell the school that i am "renting" an appartment to hopefully get more state aid because that is what i'm living off of right now... which sucks majorly... and i think that if i'm there then maybe i could find a job and work too because i will be able to drive my car more easily than here where its sittin in a lot about three and a half miles from where i live.

i reached it sunday night.  it was insaine.  i yelled at my roommate who wasn't in the room and i'm not sure exactly where she was either.  i just broke when i saw that her little self can eat the amazing chinese food and still be fucking skinny and she doesn't even have to puke it up. she gets to stay her awesome size 00 and eat whatever the fuck she wants. while i'm sitting over here not eating, going on runs, and drinking mainly water, STILL getting bigger.  it really just pisses me off.  i broke. now i'm sitting at home trying to figure out how in the hell i'm gonna make everything ok with my grades.  i missed an oral exame that i forgot about.  idk i'm just home and i hope that everything will work out.  and i'm still crazy.  i also got put on new meds on friday so that could easily be the thing that has made me crazy. i'm not good with new meds. my body always flips out and makes everything outta wack. it's supposed to help with pain but it hasn't done anything yet besides possibly help make me go crazy.  now i'm just waiting for my dr. who gave me the meds calls me back and lets me know what the hell is going on and if there is anything else that i can take so that i can go back to school. at this cuttent time, i can't go back unless i want to flip out again. i also figured out that i'm going to go and see a therapist while i'm at school and see if  maybe that will help out. just like maybe once a month or every other week or something like that.  sometimes little things like that just set me off.